Miranda Wilkinson AKA Lord Voldyshorts
by Phee-Nyx-1244
Summary: Crack fic. If you get offended don't complain I did warn you. New Girl and now friend of the golden Trio is hiding a secret what could it be?


Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley walked again down the busy street of Hogsmeade with their new friend Miranda Wilkinson in tow.

"So Harry, what is your biggest fear?" she asked suspiciously. Miranda happened to be wearing a very frilly pink sundress and stiletto heels that she kept stumbling in.

Her fake looking blonde hair was in pigtails with neon pink shoelaces holding them like that. "Um, Dementors, why?" he asked raising an eyebrow.

"No reason," she said quickly, her eyes darting about. "Whatever," he said shrugging his shoulders.

Miranda all of a sudden had an evil calculating look on her face, "Yessssssssssss" she hissed, "perfect" she muttered her eyes darting evilly and her hair falling lopsided as she stumbled again. "You didn't see that," she hissed evilly at a random Hufflepuff walking past straightening her hair.

"Are you alright Miranda?" asked Hermione. "YES! I HAVE IT MWUAHAHAHAH-" she suddenly stopped her self after her voice turned quite manly as she was laughing evilly.

"I mean yes I'm fine Her-" her left eye twitched a bit, "-mione" another twitch. "Great! Now me and you are going to go shopping for girl stuff!" she exclaimed winking and waving goodbye to the boys.

What no-one knew about Miranda was, she was a man, not just any man, she is LORD VOLDEMORT!!!

Hermione lead him into the nearest lingerie store and pulled her immediately towards the thong section. Lord Voldemorts eyes darted about at the thongs, his red eyes widening as Hermione grabbed a lot of random ones of the shelf.

'What is she going to do with that leopard print thong- WHAT THE?!- CHANGING ROOMS!' thought Voldemort as Hermione dragged him into the changing rooms with her.

Hermione threw the gigantic piles of thongs at him and colour started to blossom on his pale cheeks. "What am I to do with these?" he asked in a very high, very fake, girlish voice.

"Try them on silly," said Hermione pushing him into the changing rooms. He came back out in a millisecond his wand pointed at her throat.

"I don't do leopard skin thongs," he said in an evil whisper. "That's okay Miranda I'm sure you'll do fine I'll just take that," she snatched the wand from his hand and pushed him into the changing rooms with the thong, "now you come on out here once you've got it on, I want to see it," said Hermione closing the changing room curtain.

'Okay, now how on earth do I get this thing on?' thought Voldemort holding up the leopard print thong. He unzipped the Frilly pink sundress he was wearing and adjusted his bra filled with tissue paper and slipped off his tighty whities.

'Hmmm, yes I think I have it…' he held the thong open wide and slipped his pale, hairless legs through the holes and pulled it up so that it was wedged between his glorious white bum cheeks into his crack.

He turned and surveyed himself in the mirror hanging on the changing room door. 'Well… It does make me look bigger…' he thought turning sideways to check out his package from all angles.

All of a sudden the curtain is thrust open by a very red very confused looking Hermione… "What the- Miranda?! You're a MAN?!" she squeals her face red. "Well- uh- you see…" started Voldemort, his pale cheeks blossoming.

"I always knew there was something different about you Miranda…" Hermione started a glint in her brown eyes. Voldemort looked at her strangely, "Wait, whaa…" he didn't get to finish his question as he was pushed up against the cubicle wall, Hermione attached to his mouth.

"Wait! What are you-?!" he yelled… then Harry and Ron were suddenly in the cubicle too. "What the…" started Ron. "Ron! Uh-" started Hermione, her bushy hair askew, Voldemorts wig lopsided.

"Miranda?! You're a man?! Ohhh man… I was gonna ask you out…" he said sadly. "Really? You think I'm pretty?" Voldemort asked, his red eyes widening. For he had never been called pretty before.

"Well… I wouldn't go that far…" started Harry before Voldemort had hurriedly rushed his clothing back on, and still in his dress grabbed Harry's hand and proceeded to skip down the summery lane to the three broomsticks.

Leaving a very confused Ron and upset Hermione behind… in the changing room, where they promptly had a quick snog which lead to a quick shag which left them both breathless and Hermione quite pregnant.

Meanwhile in the three broomsticks Harry and Voldemort were doing some snogging of their own, they parted for a moment in time for Harry to question his sexuality and then decide he rather liked boys.

"Well then Harry," started Voldemort, his breathing quick, he then lead Harry into a shadowy and dusty backroom, he then started singing a song. "Let's get it on…" he sang in his low, manly voice.

Harry and Voldemort didn't emerge for some time after from their romp to find an army of death eaters in the small pub. "There he is!" shouted one of them, they all ran over.

"Whaaa…" started Harry confused. "I'm sorry, Harry, My Love, but unfortunately as described in the handbook of evil for dummies I can't fall in love with you, I have to kill you," cried Voldemort throwing off his kit and dressing himself in a black robe one of his evil death eaters provided him with.

"Avada Kedavra!" yelled a high male voice at Voldemort, enveloping his half dressed pale body in green light. He fell dead and Harry turned to find himself faced with the dashing beauty that is… Neville Longbottom.

That my children, is the story of how Voldemort was killed, Harry Potter found out his sexuality and went on to die of aids because of his numerous romps and how Hermione Granger fell pregnant with quadruplets in a changing room.

And how Neville Longbottom became the pin up boy you see today… *points at poster on bedroom wall*.


End file.
